Friday, October 21, 2011

Sweetest Fridays: Animals

The sadness of the wild animal slaughter is overwhelming. It is global, though, MORE HERE.
But a moment for a break.
Think lightly,
instead just for a minute, on this.
(elder humor)
 Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet 'Sheriff' the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
 I related that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IV's in both arms.

 I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
 and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no;
I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack from laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Marilyn called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Nebraska fan, a Missouri fan, a Kansas fan, and a K-State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most die-hard fan.
Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Nebraska fan proclaimed to The other three, "THIS IS FOR THE HUSKERS!" and promptly threw Himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice, screaming "GO BIG RED!" as
He fell to his death. Not to be outdone, the Missouri fan jumped up and shouted, "THIS IS
FOR THE TIGERS!" and threw himself off the mountain. Refusing to be
Outdone by the Nebraska and Missouri fans, the K-State fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, "THIS IS FOR THE K-STATE WILDCATS!" and without hesitation pushed the Kansas fan off the mountain shouting, "FLY JAYHAWK FLY!!!"

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